oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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