What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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