i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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