I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
