My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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