Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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