i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
