My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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