just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
