the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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