Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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