how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
