I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
