i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
where am i from again
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
