The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
