Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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