You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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