Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
