chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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