So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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