I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
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He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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