Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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