we have pet lesbian snakes
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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