Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
