Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
