I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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