You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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