Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
