I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
