Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
