I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
