FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
