mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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