So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
