I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
