No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
she told me i tasted like america
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
