I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
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I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
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We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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