there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
