1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
