Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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