Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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