I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
