Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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