im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Randomize
