What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ladies don't puke and tell
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
