I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
