Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
