i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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