you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
