So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
