I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
