I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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