i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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