I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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