I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
