my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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