I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
