So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
