I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
