I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
