ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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